“DARK KNIGHT: SPOILERS” – A Sketch by Kevin Lee & Kelly Minta
by Comedy Recap
[EXT] Offive Building Daytime
[INT] Rows of cubicles.
Bob Fosey sits at his computer and as Steve Spitz walks by we see Bob gets excited.
BOB: Oh. Steve, Hey man. I got the tickets.
BOB: Yeah. Tickets to the Dark Knight Rises. It just opened. You said you wanted to go, so I got the tickets for tonight. I can’t wait!
STEVE: Oh… right, well in light of the recent tragedy I don’t think I’ll be attending.
BOB: I’m sorry what do you mean,”recent tragedy?”
STEVE: Oh my gosh you didn’t hear? It’s been all over the news. In Colorado at a midnight screening of the Dark Knight Rises….
BOB:(cutting him off) Haha.. Whoa. Stop right there. Don’t tell me any more! I don’t want any spoilers!
STEVE: Ok, well, it happened during the movie. but it’s not –
BOB: Earmuffs! I haven’t even let myself watch the previews. Please! No Spoilers.
STEVE: Right, but what happened was that during one of the screenings there was a mass shooting –
BOB: Please Steve – don’t ruin this for me. I like to go into the theater knowing nothing about the movie.
STEVE: I”m not spoiling the movie. This actually happened. This guy busted into a theater through an emergency exit –
BOB: Steve! You’re being a jerk. I know that in some cultures talking about the end of a movie is acceptable – but not in AMERICA!!
STEVE: That’s not what I’m doing!! I’m telling you news. Real. Life. News.
BOB: I know that the movie has been in the news- and I haven’t read anything about it!
STEVE: YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY!!
BOB: Can’t hear you!
BOB: NOT LISTENING!
STEVE: PEOPLE DIED!
BOB [Over STEVE talking] LA LA LALA LA. LA LA LA LA LA.
STEVE: THERE ARE 12 PEOPLE DEAD! THIS HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE!
BOB: AHHHHHHHHH!! IF YOU KEEP YELLING SPOILERS AT ME I WILL JUST MAKE NOISES LOUDER THAN YOU!
STEVE: YOU’RE AN IDIOT!
BOB: CAN”T HEAR YOU! DON”T WANT TO HEAR THIS!
STEVE: (furious – rifles through his desk, muttering)
STEVE: (Pulls out a banana and points it at STEVE like a gun). I’m gonna end this right now.
BOB: Oh my god! Put the gun down!! Wait a minute….. are you trying to act out a scene from the movie because I won’t listen to you? You crazy SOB.
STEVE: (teeth clenched). No, Bob. That’s not what this is. This is real.
BOB: Someone call the police! This man has a gun!
We hear a bang as the screen cuts to black. We see white lettering over the black background that reads “FACT: There are more laws to regulate the trade of bananas then there are to regulate guns.”